The hell is running all around and I miss you. I will never know how it feels to kiss you or huge you or make breakfast for you and its all right. I deserve this 16 years of repentance. I knew I won’t get nothing screaming and all what I’ve got was miserable and hateful. No it’s too late. I dream with you from times to times, I’m an idiot now as I was on 2002. I hope you’ll be happy and full and calm and loved, wherever you are, whoever you’re among of.
I was’nt brave enough to do anything else but scandalized. This hell is running all around, every day, and I dreamt with it, before my mothers dies. This present place called earth never has been a peaceful place to live. I wish you could live and die in peace, even if my psychotic love for you just starts this realm of flesh and excess brutality.
I remember well 2002, and the paths and the game, and they commanding my mind, the TV, calling me, tearing me up inside, destroying my memories, fucking me psychologically.
I had a vision one day of that summer. Suddenly I saw you and you cross me, your soul cross me, and I had an orgasm, and my weakness, all that weakness, grew up faster. The Dexter Show was just the beginning of my punishment. You broke something inside me with your soul that night, and subsequently everything broke around me. I knew I won’t get anything screaming to the world that day when Jean Paul II canonized Juan Diego. Nowadays I even dream with Vicente Fox, and this fucking nightmare is unstoppable, this nightmare all around. The fucking hell is running. I don’t believe in churches or religions. I will never commune. So I just can say that children must go to the church to be different as I am. I will never commune, I will never confessed with a Bishop or Father. I begun to scream just to prove that no one will ear me. The years pass away, every year I remember that dance with you. Many times I wonder what would it be if I had chosen go to seek you and confess my love to you. But I just get mad, and mad, and mad. Now your friend Mariana lives en France, as Frida lives there, as Claudia lives there. Those days I wanted to study global social phenomena, I was the anthropologist of the UAM. And my friend Tania is death, and Scarlet,the girl who I’ve danced with, the fake kiss girl that day, I don’t know where she is. And I dreamt with you my first night in Tokio, and you was more beautiful and wise every dream I had.
Now is too late, I can’t find the forgive, I will never forgive me, I will never be calm, maybe with death I will find the peace that I won’t have in life. It doesn’t matter, it never matters.
You must be happy practicing feldenkraise and rising your child. It’s all right.
The system is unchangeable, they will find you, the will torture you, they will kill you, they will disappear your. We are just numbers, registered numbers, and we don’t have any fait or hope or consciences. We are all cut by the same scissors, and they are watching us, they are seeking us, they are registering our lives, they know everything about us. We never can change the world. They command, they invent, they grow up every day a new strategy to control us. I will never be able to live once again the change of be near you. And it’s all right. You told me that I was idealizing you, and thats for sure. This punishment, self punishment, will destroy me. And its all right.
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